The past two months

The past two months, though rough at some point, went by fast. It even made me re-think if is it time to blog it here. Anyways. Who would ever think that I will spend 85% of my painful days attending many events at work. It is festivities and launching season in Cagayan de Oro and I got so lucky to jump up events after events and even squeezed in 3 meetings in a day, and more than 5 activities in a week. At the first week, it seemed like I am moving like a zombie going back down memory lane – mostly the regretting part, being washed up with coldness of pain once I get bored in a seminar or I get lost from listening to the speaker. Then my body got used to it. On the second week onward, I feel like the routine was normal. After work, I go jog at the sports center or make use of equipment at the fitness gym. By Thursdays and Sundays, I release it out and doing my best to strengthen my faith because I felt that prayers are only shield that I have in these difficult days. I stopped posting in social media because people were so concerned over my over-reacting use of words – which is but normal for me.

I had my mind really, really busy. In my mind also, maybe I’ll go like this forever, escaping. I decided that I will heal by not knowing for I read somewhere that not knowing would be my safest place. The other person can be happy but it does not mean I have to feel bad about it. I believe that I can be less toxic if there are no triggers. In the end, I wanted to be the person who tried to be a good person after all – less hurting words, less communication, less romantic, so that we can go on peacefully without hurting ourselves more.

Today, however, everything re-sinks in, I am on my most volatile self because it is time of the month, and here I am now, re-sharing my little big things in life.

He was right in telling me to look at around me and who are with me. My circles truly gave me a very good support system because if not, I can even decide to lock myself in and just be miserable. I realize, my mind on the first two weeks are much different from my thinking now. My workmates even joked that how come I had the Five Stages of Grief rearranged. LOL. I went to bargaining first, depression then denial, anger, acceptance and denial again. Funny may it sound at daytime, but at night, I subconsciously asked myself is that theory even possible. To me, it is so weird, and even more weird to see people and I align my emotions in this thing that people only read in the book.

Friends and cousins said that I will get over it in time soon. I got worried honestly, because my relationship before took me five years to enter another relationship. I am almost convinced that I am that unfortunate when it comes to love (Entirely not, I hope!). I am kind of a proud (mapagmataas) person and the last man I was with proved me that I am that, and it hurts me to realize how my trauma transformed me into someone that I do not even want to encounter with, if I am a another person. I am a pained person when I entered “us” and you know what, my previous blogposts here are sadly the big evidences. You know, I am a person who is so conscious who I share my emotions with because I am afraid to be judged. I think even though everyone has struggles but people cannot relate all the time when you talk to them because we have different past experiences, learnings and mindsets. Our hugots even vary even it is almost the same. What happen in a day maybe too deep for you, but shallow for me and vice versa. Hence, I post here now in a hope that I can gain more personal understanding about myself from my writing and point of view of my readers. I am fortunate though because I have a positive Community in this blog, rather than in social media. Thank you very much.

The time we were given together maybe so much short, the shortest that he may have been in a relationship, but for me, it was the longest that I have been. It was the happiest that I have been too. I was pursued of, understood, and given patience with. It was also a consistent prayer answered after three months. I once wished it never ended, or if it is, it ended beautifully and peacefully as it went but most of the time than not, we cannot have it all. Perhaps, that is how hardest lessons are delivered and that is how efforts of both persons are appreciated through. I was once so selective comes into relationship because of my perceptions, beliefs, upbringing and conservativeness and sadly, because of my insecurities as well. Insecurities that brought about by life challenges. Losing my father two years ago gave me extreme anxiety. I was afraid to lose another one I felt like I cannot afford it, so I spent more time with my family rather than him. I said we two were young, we can have more time for ourselves but my family are already old. (I was so sure for both of us to think this futuristic. I thought, ‘now that we are together, everything would be fine.’ Unluckily though, I was wrong.) I have also unique family situation that I have decided long ago to always reconsider, on top of myself, so I had to make sure I know the man exactly so as to protect my family and more, to protect him from misjudgments of elder ones. I do not want the love of my life to be hurt like my father used to feel until his last breath, or so I thought. Yes, look what trauma could make us as monsters in our own minds –– trauma that I have to heal alone now, trauma that blinded us that our loved ones have minds and natural will to protect their selves. Honestly, this is something that my mother instills in me since my dad went on.

I watch K Dramas a lot and five years ago, I remember a male friend told me to stop comparing it to my reality. I thought I made it through right this time, but no. I covered much of his flaws, not realizing I am imperfect too and it is so, so wrong of me. The Universe did not align in this season of my life.

This post has been so long, but I can go on and on, given that I think a lot day and night these days. It is so ironic that I have not continued with my thesis yet and I am here, writing longer than I should. Yes, the thesis which was my last bad excuse.

This past two months, like most of my hard seasons documented in this blog, taught me a lot of things. He literally gave me lessons I have to keep learning now. First, to manage time. I had to remember that he woke up 4am to attend to our church services, and I was there sleeping. I am really a sleeping pillow my mom even hated me for being this. In almost a year, I only join the person going to early church service twice. I did not even join him going to his 24 lessons before converting. I am talking about this because this situation makes me fall back and hard to my devastated self two months ago, even with the past few days that I can say to myself that I am already fine moving forward, forgetting everything now. I view my faith the highest above everything that I have. I know sometimes, I neglect church service due to work, but when work was tough, when life was tough, even the situation that I have now, all I have is my faith and it has always comforted me. Hence, when he decided to convert, all I can think of is, “Life can be hard for both of us. We have different personalities but our values could meet one day. Our priorities can compromise soon. Our communication must improve one day. The material and un-material things we want in life will be all together when we give it a time. This is the person I want to spend my life with.” It is the faith that made me decide, so fast like only taking an ice from the fridge. Why? Because you know what, I watched my parents argue but after they go to church, they then talk like no argument happened. Life is not ALWAYS good but when you choose to submit to what you are learning, you learn to communicate well, something that the Church taught us for so long. Honestly, it is when he joined my faith that is something that hurts me so much about losing him, until now. I felt like I did not show value enough on it, even when I do. I was less expressive even when I am the woman. Second, it is always a lesson that I instill and strengthen from now on. –– I said strengthen because I believe I have been good as well, braved relationship challenges for more than a year as well, even I do not have enumerated it in this post. –– I learn to never to be too proud about yourself, to tell the person you value him while he or she is there (even to our family and friends), and yes, to stand up for your own happiness. I think, making decisions is where I am not good at. I do not want to choose. I wanted it all when it can be handled together.

Surely, I lost a lot. Plus, that love came late to me and near my 30’s that it hit me harder. I thought it is already the one. I lost the person who loved me, valued me, re-imagined a future with me and shared his beautiful, sweet child with me. Everything was so much dear to me – a phase that I would always remember. 

This is maybe a too emotional post, a post to delete someday –– someday when I get fine already with life. However, I am hopeful that it will not be deleted. In full honesty, in the future, I want to look back at this phase of my life as a beautiful one and something that changed me positively at some point. My anxiety for fourteen years since my dad got sick was nowhere to be found anymore. (For clarity of this writing, this anxiety is being afraid to lose a family member. I remember, I did not look funeral homes closely since I was younger.) It is nowhere to be felt and found now. Surely, it is terrifying to lose one but I fully trust God now to look over my family. Maybe because the pain that I have now is also fresher. Funny, I am grieving for someone alive. Haha. Plus, doing work-out indeed helped in healing the anxiety. I can roam around here and there without getting afraid that I will lose a family member. Though, I dire to go home daily, I do not have that fear that lingered in me for many years now. (I cannot go home easily these days though because memories flow from CDO to Tagoloan to Jasaan to my computer. I am saving money lately. LOL.)

Life, growth and happiness in other things are reachable now that my mind is clear. I am no longer bitter. I am satisfied with things. You know what, I am an Information Officer now, after almost seven years of handling our admin and finance! – I hope you were able to read my 2013 blog when I dreamed about being a government information officer. Ah, that person is a lucky charm. Certainly, there is always a place for gratitude in our lives. Going forward, I am planning to work fully on my Master’s Thesis (Ye-es) and assess if I pursue Doctorate. If yes, maybe not after this year’s Masterals. Plus, I am no longer attending Law School. Maybe akoang mahimong anak nalang puhon, God-willing. I have to prioritize putting myself back to perspective, to have more intentional self-care, to heal in order to gain and release positive energy. When people said we lost focus on the most important things, that hit me differently.

I talked to God many times and said that, “Lord, is this how you answered all what I have asked for in many years and months? Then, should I trust you even more then that life would be happier soon?” Even though life is painful and harder lately, you know, I like myself better today and given, that it is at this phase. Indeed, it takes so much to accept ourselves wholly.

I admit I cannot say it out loud for now – because I still have a lot of talking to do about the person while I am moving on. LOL. If I am too public, my apologies. Certainly, this is not the normal me right now. We will know in time. – Again, I admit I cannot say it out loud for now but I hope someday, I can finally say that we meet people for our purpose in their lives and theirs in our lives. I realize now that we really need each other when we met and for my part, I did my best too even though I was entirely new to it. Maybe for the two of us, our purposes are already served. Maybe, that waiting time and patience I was talking about are not for us. But then again, in everything that happened, the once I called “my person” is an experience that I would not trade anything from in this world because at some point Mavie made me happy.