Just Hello No. 14

Dear Diary,

 

I write here today because my anxiety is a bit high. So, let me take a pause from all the business-related releases and transcend this blog back to a personal diary that it was ever since.

 

Last week, I took a Psychological Test. It is a requirement for a new appointment I would be having in our office. The result underscored the “highly emotional, highly sensitive.” I was perplexed but I would not deny that it is not surprising at all. Even though the center told me the result is about “likely what was seen” based on my answers and may not be exactly what and who I am. However, for me, I guess it is somewhat true.

 

I make small things big at home. I am easily disturbed with annoying sounds. Sometimes, my family argue with each other and I can observe that I am easily affected. Sometimes, I can feel a sudden fear. My mind keeps on feeding obnoxious scenes. Scenes of failures, of death, of negative possibilities. More, I do not have the energy to do all my activities. I have clients I cannot cater anymore. My social media content plan was not totally followed at all.

 

I am doing what I can to fight these. Of course, I pray a lot. Though I know I lack on this sometimes because it is already something I am used to do. Perhaps, I should feel what I do more often.

 

I also went back to what Psychosocial two years ago told me about my bedtime habit, to practice mindfulness, listen to calming music –– I listen to Sleeping Pill with Inka podcast for this one –– and do journaling. The latter though is what I am doing now. I also found it as highly recommended based on the wellness podcasts that I have been listening to. According to the resource speaker, we should never leave things in our mind. We should let it out through talking to a friend, writing it in a journal and so on.

 

I have been so lazy. I get tired of writing personal things because I thought I should be big enough to handle all these difficult things because after all, difficulties aren’t new. However, I think I am not yet well to face those boldly. I think, there is still a dependent aura inside me, a childish persona that would never leave at all. I am so dependent ever since. I love being with family that thinking of losing them gives me anxiety and unexplainable fear. I know I should not be like this. That is why I am helping my mind all the more. I have been checking my brain health. In Pausecast podcast, I learned that once negative idea enters, I should tell myself that “This is not this at all, it’s all in the mind.”

 

Life lately is bearable already. I have resolved my spending habit. As far as I can remember, my cart was not checked out at all. My schedule is good. My work is workable. Our home life is thankfully fine. My nanay, mama and older family members are thankfully, thankfully all fine lately. Mavie is okay too. He is always refined and true to his words, sometimes I wish I am behaved as him. My friends are all doing good. Maybe, I just have to go out for fresh air or be consistent with my day’s checklist, for my mind to be calm. I should keep solving all the Math I have at hand.

 

Tomorrow’s Monday again. I have to remind myself that people I am worrying about have minds and have their own convictions and understanding of reality. I have to remind myself that I am not the key to everything and I should not carry the world. I should remind myself that the world is fine and should I be. Life has to keep moving forward and should be better than yesterday.

 

Before I end this posts, I should mention that K Drama has been a joy to me. I am watching Dodosolsollalasol and Extraordinary Attorney Woo. Both are feel good dramas. I think these are one of the things I look forward to after work.

 

Perhaps, that is all for now. Fighting.

 

 

Love,

 

Irene