The art of surrender

First quarter of 2021 went by so fast, so fast it’s like a gust of wind. Yet, we are still in pandemic. I am quite worried of everyone’s mental health. I hope you attended church service earlier because I believe standing up once again every time in our lives is a leap of faith and we have to nurture this faith inside us.

How we are honestly? I would love hearing from you through comment box below. For now, let me step in first.

It’s five in the afternoon and I found myself stressing over my piles of books and checklist. I do not want to see myself complaining over things I decided to take and stressing over an unnecessary mess when I could fix it. However, my current eerie feeling is a matter that I cannot ignore at the moment. I get happy, then I get sad and sad again and suddenly I feel happy. Weird it may seem, but the transition is overwhelming. Maybe just a post effect of stress that I have felt for a long time (or no, I do not have to take it on my before-depressed, grieving self, again). Or maybe, I am just tired trying, failing, winning, celebrating, failing again, reflecting and so on. Honestly, it’s a stressful cycle I can hardly detach myself from. Indeed, competitions you cannot win is something sad but having competitions you set with yourself when it is not needed, is more exhausting.

I felt like I hurt myself countless times. Failing is not easy to deal with when you see competition in the start. If only I have grown forgiving with myself, healing would be not that hard.

They said challenge will make you grow, and I hope countless challenges that had me in the past made me a better person, not a bitter person.

If I was able to talk about failing, rejection would not come easy either.

I have not backed down from life battles ever. Well, maybe for those situations that I think won’t worth my energy, I do. Yet, for my life, I do not back down from major battles. Uncertain though if I win or lose, if I cry or not, I just go with the challenge and enjoy the journey.

For the past three months, I experienced rejecting, holding myself back from going after what I like and it was a very tough season.

I am very fine with chasing dreams, both small and big, and unloving something is just too much for my energy. I would always remind myself to be serious of self-discipline even once, to accept that some things are not for me — to let things, opportunities and people go to where they are destined of, to say ‘no’ before things get complicated and hard and to embrace what I currently have and simply enjoy my little adventures.

They said waiting what is for you is bittersweet. The pathway of going there is blinding but the taste of winning would be sweet. I also read in my bestie’s blog that we have to make the most out of waiting season, maybe through family and relationships, career and activities. I have been literally pursuing many passions for a long time — events, writing both creative and non-creative, photography, blogging, filming, social media and reviews, traveling and so on. Recently, I embraced journaling. I also went high and low to discover and learn different culture, food and even my personal fashion. All of them worked for me, burn my heart for many times I get so excited, and made me happy.

However, currently, I felt like I swam too shallow. I journeyed, yet simply closer to the shore and I need to sail far deeper.

It is indeed true that when we found our purpose, it will make our heart full but I think human life is a continuous ride of searching. I don’t know. Maybe of what truly makes us happy and contented. Or maybe, something that allow us to rest from wanting, from going after or from chasing. I think we just need that rest for a while in our lives. For me, perhaps it is because wanting could possibly disappoint us, going after something may bring us failure and chasing can be a factor of rejection. It is a knowledge that all these are branches that sprout out growth but can be exhausting for a quite while.

Yes, I think I just have to rest from everything this life gives me and just approve a little bit of surrender, so that soon, I could bounce back, stand up straighter and be much stronger for what is ahead of me.

Much love.