Hello, everyone! It’s been so hard to start writing the first letter here because it would mean another tear for me to cry on and I do not want you to feel the pain I am feeling because it’s been hard dealing with it myself. As what I have posted months ago, admitting the pain would be so hard to do for me because I could cry with the reason and I am not ending it until there are still tears for me to cry on. I told you so, I am surviving my daily life escaping from my loss.
But today – well, when you read this, it’s July 13 and it is my 27th birthday. 27 years, and this day is exactly 2 months since I lost my beloved Father. He’s not with me to celebrate this day he prepared so much, that it cuts deep. It’s been the saddest – ever.
It’s indeed true that I have silent cries on the night, I have regrets that haunt me every time I start to smile. However, it is still true that I have a lot of memories with my father to cherish. I am glad I was able to hug my father when we are riding in the motorcycle from church, tell him some of my funny moments at work, tell him about my life outside work, things that I have discovered and telling him someday, I would be able to pursue something, I just have to wait. He never pressured me, he just smiled. He does that, all the time.
These moments let me live. I may no longer receive answers to some of my questions to him but the memories already complete the puzzle.
And, that is why in my birthday, I am also somehow grateful.
There are things that we tend to forget because we are occupied with our intense, deepest emotions, but whenever I pray to the God above, I realize there are so much.
Firstly, are the memories, for the last beautiful years with my father, for the years that Lord God let him to spend time with us. I just remember swimming with him in the river when I was young, hunting some wild birds, collecting gold fishes he brought for me from a cousin in Cugman, listening to his funny stories, preparing his coffee when I get home, or just simply eating together in the warm night in our place in Alog. I missed most of those young years when I do not need to be so far away from them. I really miss those, that if I can turn back time, I would spend more of my Sundays there.
Then, my family around me. There are words that I cannot utter but being feeling better even just for hours just comforts me and it would not be possible if it’s not because of my cousins, aunts and uncles, my family.
My bestfriends, friends, brethren at our Church and colleagues who are just a phone call away. I am beyond grateful for having people who are always there for me, listens to my stories and helps me in different ways possible. Life is even colorful when you have a lot of people who colors it with you, and I am so, so thankful I have several people in my life.
Life for the last few weeks
More on that, I know I have been away from Facebook — well, of course except Facebook Stories and Instagram. I just need to share less but I really did not opt out. I just need to be little away to relax my mind, to embrace the reality and to know what it is that I have to do from now on (not because it is what I saw and learn in social media). I know I move at my own pace, I have my own timeline and all that I need to do will only be realized by me. Social media can be so much toxic, can be a stressful tool comparing lives with others, comparing how you deal pain with others and can eventually cause misery. For me, it’s not the way I need, I have to ponder it myself.
I am getting better, by the way. My mental health is better. I am just thankful that I was able to find ways to cope up with my situation and firstly is that I pray.
The stress brought about the coronavirus disease has caused anxiety to me too, even before I lost my father and I learned from Learning and Development webinars that PIA provided to its employees to fight stress brought about by the pandemic, that one effective way is to strengthen our Spirituality and even before I realize so much of that, I am thankful I have been working on strengthening my faith for as long as I can remember.
I also checked on Psychology institutions. Yes. It is because disturbances in us is possible when we are grieving. I remember I dreamed bad things; I dreamed about different premonitions (Because I am scared of this!) which really affect my way of living and I was always afraid for possible turnout of events and scared that things will happen again. Plus, I met a motorcycle accident weeks ago. After that, I was beginning to be scared (and still am) of riding vehicles! My muscles tremble and I cannot breathe when I am riding in a rushing vehicle. It was really bad and sad moments of my life that my aunt asked me do I have not faith at all for letting such kind affect me. Thus, I let professionals explained to me why things are happening such and they told me, pain is still fresh and I am still in a grieving stage and it is but normal. The important thing is I am doing my daily tasks, I work normally just like before that dreading day, that I am waking up each day still living the life even it feels different. That is why I still go to work and deal with work and any other businesses to keep going in my life. Until now, I have been trying to be consistent. There are days that I don’t feel like getting out from bed or going to work but I told myself if I would not do my best, then what is life ahead, more so that I still have many family around me.
Then, I started dealing with my Mama Ding’s question, that if I think lots of negative things, what kind of faith that I have. So I prayed and told God, “You hold the wheels, Lord, and I will go wherever You drive me to.” Those days, and even these days, when I cry any time of the day, even in the middle of doing a report is truly a test of faith and I am here, being sure that my faith will push me through.
What else have I been doing?
Before I wrote this blog, I was occupied arranging my earrings in a mini accessory organizer that Ma’am Jam, my officemate, gave me as her advance birthday gift and I admire it a lot. Small things that brought us happiness.
Earlier, when my mom is about to go to our town market, I asked her to buy me a 3 feet-long cloth for a backdrop as well. I set up a mini-studio in our little house for my product shoots. I have been receiving a lot of collaborations lately. Long ago, I told myself I will stop from what I am doing and just live quietly. It brought peace somehow, but it is not even helping me all along. I need a therapy and I realize I just have to progress even a little. Plus, I have been receiving a lot of sensible comments and it made my heart big. It comforts me at some point. Hence, these seldom posts I am publishing.
I accept collaborations that I like to do (mostly women dresses) and learned to reject those which I cannot do for now. When my pace is slow and the project is big, I am sure I cannot give my all and it will affect the performance and will just cause me disappointment, thus of simply saying no to it this early.
I am also planning to put little repairs and improvement in my Lola’s house (My mom currently lives here with me) to make my official little studio possible, and it still give me headache how to start on that. LOL. But let’s see for the coming weeks.
I also do journalizing and collecting art and crafts materials. Recently, I am so hooked in a sticker printer I found online. Thus, if you know local stores who sell kiss cut printers and stuff, please let me know.
In addition, I am also into flowers these days. I do visit Father during weekends, reason we likely purchase flowers during Saturdays or Sundays. I bought mine for my place at home and it’s quite a therapy.
I did mention of therapy and that, I have been working on my sleep. I recently listen to Mindfulness Meditation therapists suggested to me. I currently listen to music from a Soothing Relaxation channel. You can found them in Youtube if you like.
I was also doing shopping therapy online. Well, not really that much since I am on a budget but online shopping therapy really got me. I am just thankful Zalora always put my wishlist on sale (I never bought something which was not on sale!), that I was able to avail up to 80% discount. (This post isn’t Zalora-sponsored, just a disclaimer. Lol.)
Nothing much really changed when it comes to my interests. Aside from what I wrote, I am still into K Dramas, still hoarding stationeries and colored pens. I am also progressing with my online classes. Currently, I am in the Module 3 of my Professional Diploma in Digital Marketing class. I missed a lot of lessons, that I need to do rescheduling and as well as postpone my class on Smartphone Photography for some other time, but I guess, I don’t have any choice.
I have plans and I do intend to pursue them. I also wish for me to be better at work, so that I can settle where I am.
Plans are what kept me going as well, and these make me happy. I have so much love around me that even though this birthday might be different, less happy, felt lacking, but the love that I have been receiving is so much and overpouring and that, made me grateful. It let me focus on the things that matter and no longer on those people I have been angry with, have hurt me in the past years and have caused me stress.
My 27 years is not all-happy but I won’t have it any other way. With all that I have experienced for the past few weeks, I have learned to step on my own ground and reflect, to let go of so much hate and instead receive the love that I have been given, to ignore negative people and appreciate those who stay with me, to be satisfied and most of all, to be grateful for all the blessings.
“The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.” (Psalm 28:7)
Thank you for taking time for this fun shoot, Ters Johanns. Follow her at sightseerpinay.net.