The hole right here

For all the things that happened for past weeks, for every single pain that I feel, I am left with nothing but pieces that would hardly mend. I could not even put in more words in this blog.

Yes, I do not know if I am doing the right thing but I survive each single day escaping from what I feel in my heart. I do not know if it’s the right thing but my reality is so much to bear that even of I can partly escape thinking, it instead haunt me even if I sleep.

Thus, let me just post here the Facebook post I made few weeks ago to just update you, guys.

The past few days of my life is nothing but full of pain I never imagined I will feel in my life.

Death is a taboo word for me. I remember I told my mates, it will take a longer, meaningful time to fully understand different angles of life.

Indeed, like a thief, it does not send warnings.

My Tatay has been my inspiration. In all work I perform, in every project I think and in everything that I do, he is always there. I always think it will make him and Nanay happy. I always think it will at least sustain the hardships and pain they went through all these years — hardships caused by realities and pain brought about by people who doesn’t believe in them.

For all of my years, I deeply prayed to God above to give Tatay longer life with me, not just to witness all of that I am trying to accomplish but naturally, it is always that — all of us feel like we want our parents to be with us forever.

He’s been sick for twelve years. Twelve years of me worrying, always holding on to the seems thick rope, praying and praying that all the time will be in my favor.

That’s why this loss served me the most bitter menu. The sight of it made me remember the hard things, all my Tatay suffered, the pain he felt and I feel like I did nothing to ease the pain, even if there’s near to nothing that I can do.

It’s a week today since that dreadful day that we lost him and it’s been the hardest. All I can do is let everything to God, all the pain, loss, what if’s and mostly, the whys.

Tatay, even if it’s hard and painful for you, you endured for years. Perhaps because you see me always hoping. Tatay, thank you for holding on every chance you can have. Those years were hard, but those years made me ???? and learn as well. I owe you so much, Tatay.

Tatay, you fought the bravest in this fight. I will always honour you in everything. Your life is a dictionary that when I look in it, it will give meaning even to my simplest and littlest things.

Tatay, palangga kaayo ‘ta ka. Your love created a hole in my heart. Perhaps, I will spend the rest of this life missing you.

This is not a goodbye but see you again soon, in His kingdom, in His time.