Twenty Five and One

26 years. If I will be blessed to live for 100 years in this life time, I am now over the first quarter.

“26 years. Mom, I still mess up but I am sure I will turn out fine as usual.”

This caption landed on my birthday Facebook post. Perhaps, it is funny to some but that was me indicating the real me all these years. I never ever projected myself as perfect and I intend to be that, just that. That is my personality.

These days, at 26, I see myself embracing the real adult in me. It is quite a struggle for I used to go with the flow and leave things the way they are, how they move and where they are going. I tell you, I just do not care that much. For instance, I set up goals and even go high and low to reach them, but if I fail, I always think that it’s fine because I tried and there is some other time.

However, I realize, it is not should be all the time, especially that I am now an adult with responsibilities in my shoulder.

My years after academe are years that taught me so much lessons. There are things that I want that cannot be reached in just snap of a second. In my case, there are a lot.

My intention to finish Masteral Degree was put on hold. I even nearly perfected my admission examination, but I decided not to enroll because of priorities, primarily my job that requires my time. I pray that someday, I will be able to enter that Master in Public Administration class.

My bucket list of places to travel to is another. These are not simply ‘Traveling for the Gram’ but this is a dream that keep me going in my life. If only traveling is free, people will seldom see me home. You see, as much as I am thirsty of new learning, I so much like to move places, explore different forms of culture, converse locals and see more of life in there.

I cannot post weekly in this blog. I remember I told you that I will be regularly posting, but unfortunately my time do not permit. My current situation – that there are times I am so depressed that I prefer to be tucked in our home and sleep, hinder me to do this. Lucky me, there are sponsored posts that require deadline, that is when I have to post here. I love blogging, but you see, it is not every week that I can post because of my limitations. I am just thankful that when I checked, I have entry every month. I also made three videos in my YouTube Channel. Praise God for strength and ideas, despite my current situation.

I was not able to regularly comply and contribute to my newspapers. I made articles that were published in both local and international papers but many are those turned out unfinished. My writer heart has been weary for quite a time because I have a lot of topics yet I have not accomplished writing them all. I apologize to my publisher, editors and some client friends for this. It is too sad I cannot be more than productive than just living my usual life right now, which is very different than before.

These are some of those things that I ached so much because my life right now has borderlines. However, what made up all of the absence is witnessing God’s grace amidst battling depression. My family has been a constant source of inspiration. You know, we are just a typical family but I am beyond lucky to garner all of their support, from my parents, aunties, grandparent, to cousins. I am proud that I was never literally alone. I thank God that when I get home, I do not have to stress myself from cooking because there is already food in the table. My mom and father constantly check on me even when I only have to stay for a night in the dorm. I get free body massages from my aunts when I do not feel well, and when I am too tired to go to the ATM machine, there is a cousin who is only a text away. These are simple things I get to appreciate in this very stage of my life and the main reason that my brain is calm. My life for past few years is about being pressured by alarm clock, planner, Facebook, sticky notes in my calendar. I was overwhelmed. Recently, I realized it is too tiring. I stopped going to work on weekends, forced myself to sleep longer and even allowed myself to be engrossed to K Dramas, and thankful, it opened me again to a happy world. These days, I only look forward to finishing another good book, on not failing from praying every night (Sad, I get to sleep while praying before), watching movies, catching up with friends and several others and I hope life will continuously allow me to. I need a slowdown and that is something I have been trying to work on now. Surely, there are still things I have to finish but I believe I will get there, and after that, I will operate my slow down. There is so much that I learned from all my experiences that made me tired. For one, I pondered that I should think on every step that I have to make, the responsibilities that I will carry and promises that I will be making. I do not hold my mind and body. It gets tired even I do not want to. It calls for a rest and if I do not respond, the more I will suffer. I do not want to experience these again, reason that I need to reset.

It could be hard and even harder, yes. Life will be a step backward, surely – that I am praying I could still cope up, that we will be still fine and there will be no major setbacks. It is absolute though that life will be simpler, dreams will be more genuine and above all, life will be more meaningful. I intend to go back to my purpose, and one is to consistently redirect my heart to the path of serving. God has blessed me and my family so much all these years and serving Him, more than praising Him should not be just an option but a priority.

I realized so much in this life that is full of responsibilities and expectations. However, I am grateful that these realizations made me appreciate the simple things I have, which matters the most.

Life is not certain but we have to trust God’s ways and perfect timing. His love endures and heals all things, including my heart.

Thank you for 26 beautiful years, Lord God.